Phase 1: Getting Dressed
There’s nothing leisurely about getting ready to go out when you have a baby. They always seem to know exactly when your hair is perfectly styled, and promptly spit up in it. And due to that very same reason, you can’t risk putting your dress on until literally the second before you leave the house. If you’re breastfeeding, you need to feed the baby shortly before you go, and make sure you have plenty of milk for the babysitter. Since your body is still in post-baby mode, your old dresses won’t zip, so you bought something new to accommodate your gigantic, leak-prone boobs. It’s really so very glamorous.
Phase 2: Getting Out of the House
You’ll definitely be running late, which is never a good thing when it comes to weddings. So you’ll frantically grab your phone and lip-gloss, and shove them in your clutch. Do you know what does not fit in a clutch? A breast pump. Yep, if you’re breastfeeding, you will need to bring your breast pump to the wedding. (Cue record screech sound.) I don’t know about yours, but mine is actually built into an enormous black backpack, which definitely does not go well with black-tie attire.
Phase 3: Getting Your Groove On
No matter how hectic phases 1 and 2 were, you’ll have an awesome time because YOU. ARE. OUT! DANCING! ENJOYING COCKTAILS! NOT WEARING LEGGINGS. But at some point, you’ll have to shimmy off the dance floor to grab your unsightly black backpack and find a place to pump. Hopefully it’s not a bathroom stall. Hopefully nothing leaks on your dress. Hopefully you’ll have thought to bring extra breast pads. Hopefully you’ll remember to put batteries inside the battery pack in case there’s no outlet to plug in the pump. Hopefully none of this will be a big deal and take away any fun from your evening out.
Phase 4: Getting Back to Reality
Phase 4 is kind of like when Cinderella’s beautiful horse-drawn carriage turns back into a pumpkin and she’s suddenly in her frumpy clothes. Before you know it, you’re awoken from a deep, deep sleep by the baby monitor. It’s hard to envision getting out of bed. But nine hours away from your little babe is a long time, and even though it’s 3am, you can’t wait to snuggle her.